What would happen if Cardinal Joseph
Ratzinger, the protector of the doctrine
of the faith, now Pope Benedict XVI, had a
change of heart and decided to abolish the
vow of celibacy? Imagine what the
women of the world would do if suddenly
they had thousands of well-educated,
sensitive and handsome young priests to
draw from as potential husbands.
Since the 1960s over 100,000 priests have
left the active ministry to get married,
and there is a priestly shortage.
St. Peter, the very first pope, was a
married man. For the first
millennium of Christianity married priests
was the norm.
Women's magazines would become
obsessed with the subject and they would
be publishing letters to the editor from
women who had secret affairs with priests
but who now were asking for advice such
as: How can I get him to pick up his
dirty black socks? He was used to
having a housekeeper and I did not go to
college just to shlepp around the rectory
picking up after him! His schedule
is a nightmare and we don't have much
time to make love in between his
confessional duties.
I
think the biggest problem of reformation
would be to get the parishioners to accept
his new wife. With so many catty
women out there they would be criticizing
her unmercifully, as they did to Camilla,
and turn their comments into a national
sport. "She is too fat, too
young, too pretty, not pious enough, blah,
blah, blah." Then there would be a
hierarchical nightmare of having to take
orders from the married bishop's wife.
"I didn't take oaths to be
subservient to her. I have a PhD. in
Theology and she is only a high school
graduate." Says the gay priest
to his significant other. "And do you
see how she spends money! She
should shop at K-Mart not Saks. The
nerve of that witch! Why don't we
open a flower shop?"
What woman would want to share her husband
with another woman calling at 3:00 A.M. to
ask that he come over right away because
she has "an emergency."
Once she started putting down the law and
order in the rectory, as each woman tends
to do in her own kitchen, imagine the
fights that would transpire within the
archdiocese if she were a strident
feminist. "Who does the
cardinal think he is telling me what to do
in my own parish?" Worse yet,
most attack receptionists like to
boss their pastors around too, so can you
imagine the cat fight that would happen
in the office? "I AM married to
the priest, you old hag. You bungle
my manicurist's phone call again and you
will be fired And I don't care if
you are a volunteer!"
Romance with the clergy has been a Canon
prohibition for hundreds of years for a
very good reason. Although
it is a well-known fact that it does occur
secretly, as in my novel: FORBIDDEN
PASSION, which will be available for
sale in a few days. Suddenly
the women would flock like sheep to their
soutane-clad hero. You know how some
women can't resist a uniform, even if it
is a night gown. In a large parish
he would have to swat them away like flies
around forbidden fruit. Can you
imagine the jealous scene if a gay priest
fantasized about having the Reverend all
to himself. "You look at my
husband one more time, and I'll turn
you into the second Abelard!"
Then there is the question of money, that
obscene word, which is the root of all
evil. Provisions would have to be
made for the priest's children and a
pension for a widow. With
the Church being so dogmatic I can just
hear the arguments. If they were
ready to "lynch" a woman I know
who had an affair with a priest, can you
imagine what they would do next?
Perhaps go back to tar and feathering,
since stoning has been outlawed. And
what if an Irish priest wanted to marry a
black woman? Mon Dieu! The Vatican
would shake to its very St. Peter
foundation. Unless, of course, a new
black pope was elected, which is still a
possibility.
The Anglican priests seem to have worked
all these domestic problems out already,
and some of them are even working
harmoniously as new Catholic priests in
the Roman Catholic Church. So
perhaps they should write a manual for the
new reverse-celibates. They had
better include a chapter on divorce too
because even though the Church frowns on
that issue, nowadays it is being accepted
slowly as another reversal of rules.
If they can't agree on how to handle the
pedophile cases, I doubt a convocation of
bishops will shed any light on how priests
should handle the matter of their
marriages. There are over 80 married
Catholic priests in the USA and several in
Britain and in the Philippines.
Maybe somebody should write a handbook:
Reversal of Rules for the
Reverse-Celibates. Or, they
could pattern a chapter of their code of
ethics from that of the US Military who
have also learned from their sexual
scandals. The problem, as I see it,
is that if men did not have such a high
sperm count, they could just ignore this
situation altogether. But as long
as, genetically speaking, men are
pre-programmed to chase skirts, the Church
will always have this problem to solve.
On the other hand, they could always make
a new rule: mandatory castration. It
worked for Abelard; although it almost
brought down Christendom. Is nature
perhaps trying to tell us something?
Just as the Church tries to tell women
what to do with their own bodies
maybe the women should form committees
and tell the priests what to do with
theirs: Mothers Against Pedophiles;
or, the Tar and Feather Society;
Ladies League
Against Unfaithful Priests. You get
the idea.
With all these matrimonial problems the
cardinals would have to reconvene in Rome
several times a year to work things out.
The only bossy women priests tolerate are
their housekeepers because if they don't
follow their orders, they will burn their
toast. Yet another headache for The
Vatican would be if a bright young priest
(like in The Thornbirds) made it to
cardinal, and then was lucky enough to be
elected pope, where would that leave
his wife? Would she also inherit the
gold china plates at The
Vatican? Would
she be known as the "popess?"
Would the nuns take orders from her?
If they all can't agree on how to handle a
criminal matter like pedophilia, how on
earth can they ever agree on what to do
with married priests? No! I
seriously doubt that the vow of celibacy
will be removed with this pontificate; or
the next, because everyone knows that the
battle of the sexes has been going on
since Adam and Eve and The Vatican has
pressing money problems to resolve,
and that takes priority.
Alinka Zyrmont
